A Selfish Venue

Every couple, when choosing their venue, have to take into account their guests. How they’re going to get there, how much it will cost them, and all that jazz.

But don’t worry yourself to death over it. Yes, it’s handy if your venue’s in the place where most people live, but what with universities and people moving for jobs, the chances are your loves ones, like ours, are spread out across the country – or the world. And people do expect to travel for weddings, take trains, drive long distances and stay overnight. The effort people will go to for a wedding is quite touching. I suppose it all comes down to – they just love you that much.

So don’t upset yourself worrying about them, but don’t go out of your way to make things difficult for them either so that you can have your fairytale dream. Common sense.

But here’s something which may not be common sense to everyone. Making things easy for the guests is not about proximity, but access.

What do I mean by that?

Well, we’re getting married in the centre of Oxford. It’s within 10 minutes walk of the train station, 5 minutes walk of the coach station and 5 minutes walk to a main car park. There are park and ride facilities and we even have a few parking permits for slightly more central locations, which we have mentioned (quietly). I think this means pretty good access. We have friends and family coming from Sheffield, Bristol, London, Wales, Germany, Malta and Australia. These are not proximate.

We’re also having a daytime wedding, so guests from the UK can come that morning, leave that night and are not obliged to stay over. Some of our friends are “crashing” at another’s place (as we have at least a couple of friends from Oxford). So they might have to spend a bit on travel, but they don’t have to pay for a bed that night – the cost isn’t prohibitive.

As someone who doesn’t have a car, I’m always noting that most wedding venues are crap for access. Not just inconvenient, but totally and utterly crap. They tend to be very out of the way, with no nearby train station, poor or not too close by bus services and expect all their visitors to drive.

I don’t have a car, and I think it’s a disgusting reflection upon society that I’m expected to. If we came in a car, someone would have to not drink, or we’d have to stay in the venue, or we’d have to park at a hotel and taxi in and out – all things which spoil enjoyment or significantly compound the cost.

I’m talking about manor houses, the bigger, more expensive and more picturesque hotels and other countryside resorts. They’re lovely, but they’re mostly very inconvenient for most people, and personally that’s a big deal to me. When I RSVP to a wedding I check that I can get to it.

Worse are the church weddings where you have a reception venue miles away and needs to be driven to – not a great idea if there’s alcohol after the ceremony, and again puts people under pressure to order taxis (yeah, because weddings never run over time, do they…) to ensure they make it on time. When everybody else is fighting for them too, of course.

The basis function of all this is, if your venue is out of the way, you are going to have to check your guests are okay with that too – yes, ask them for permission. If you don’t have enough people able to get there, it is your responsibility to help them. One popular solution is hiring a vintage bus to transport guests to the reception venue and to off-site better value hotels at the end of the night.

The other suggestion is carpooling. Your guests won’t all know each other, so it’s best to include something in the invitations. I’d recommend hosting a spreadsheet on google docs, asking drivers to fill in how many spare seats they have on offer, and those not driving to fill in requests for seats. Share and share alike. It would take you minutes to set up such a document and be hugely appreciated by all your guests.

Call a Spade a Spade

Sometimes I’d like to give the wedding industry in general a bit of a shake, and this is sparked off in particular by one of my pet peeves: calling a spade a spade, or – why are table plans never actually plans?

THIS IS NOT A TABLE PLAN: IT IS A LIST OF TABLES:

But this is the kind of thing I see all over the place. When I first came across it, I thought it was just a few couples being lazy and feeling that getting the necessary information out there was more important than showing people the actual layout in detail and making it pretty.

But pretty is definitely a focus. Table “lists” are written on mirrors, draped around birdcages (um, cages: a beautiful wedding symbolism *sniggers*), dangled in suitcases, bookmarking novels and so on and such forth et cetera. The creative lengths that have been explored are impressive, but they are all lists.

Strangely, and like so many other wedding-related things, table “lists” have become so ingrained that people are unable to think outside the box. Even when someone specifies they want ideas for seating PLANS and do not want LISTS they are shown “ideas” which are lists.

Personally I find that absolutely maddening.

Table plans as plans really appeal to me, not only because they give guests a superior slice of information (who they’re sitting beside, what way they’re facing, where their table is in the room – and whilst some lists do this latter, some don’t, so you can never be sure), and not only because they avoid the obvious issue of hierarchy with which guest is “head” of his/her table, but basically because they are MAPS.

Did you ever make treasure maps as a child? You know, where you dip the paper in tea, and then burn the edges (I loved burning the edges; I think my mum was a little bit wary I might turn into a pyromaniac, but luckily I had ni interest in burning things when it wasn’t for the sake of making something). I would design intricate worlds with hazards like volcanoes and swamps, trying to embed clues about how to find the treasure and make up stories about children ending up here and going on a quest. I loved treasure maps. I adored treasure maps. I want our wedding plan to be a MAP.

Maps are cool.

Even when you’re all grown up.

Bad Advice

Early in the wedding planning business I joined a wedding forum because I was directed there by a friend and wanted some impartial advice on wedding-related things I didn’t understand, like why most women spend £1k on a dress, get married in a church despite being atheist or pay somebody to do their make up for them. And general stuff like how a wedding “normally” went.

However, as I’ve explored a bit more, I’ve discovered that there is an awful lot of totally crap advice out there on websites. They are usually generic wedding websites, written by people who have a very narrow perspective and have failed to take into account the wider audience who might come across their ramblings. Reading these sites tends to make you feel like you forgot some wedding must-have, you’re not doing things the “right” way and need to change to be more “normal” or that you/your situation have/s been excluded.

Of course, there are some great tips out there you would not have thought of without being prompted. I would especially like to draw your attention to groompower.com, where the Fiance picked up the wonderful tip not to get overambitious polishing his shoes, to avoid a bride with black stains all over the bottom of her nice white dress.

But how can you tell the good advice from the bad?

Well, half of it is just common sense. I suppose in my case it helps that I only started browsing randomly after having talked to lots of lovely ladies. It also helps that I am stubborn and opinionated and that we’re doing a lot of things differently and don’t feel the need to follow the (baa) flock. But even if you’ve started from the same point I have, you can easily end up having a little wobble because something you’ve read on a random website has given you doubts. You might not even go there on purpose. You might get linked there on a forum, by a supplier or through a seemingly innocent link embedded in a blog post.

So here are some Hot Tips for recognising Bad Advice.

1. It’s usually very brief

The bad advisor cannot be bothered to go into details, do further research or question to what extent their advice is limited by their own experience. They probably don’t really know what they’re talking about and thus there isn’t much of it. If they’re trying to sell a product, it’s best not to mention alternatives if possible.

2. It’s linked to Branding

If the site is flaunting one supplier or another, it’s biased. So, okay, we all know this, but sometimes the site doesn’t just big itself up – it hides alternatives. There’s nothing wrong with looking through these sites for lists of products, but be cautious as you do it.

Make up sites are particularly bad at this, telling you that you have to wear one thing or another, telling you what the bridal look is or harrassing you with package deals for your big day. If they don’t offer an product they also won’t mention key things like the fact that it’s worth looking for as much waterproof make up as possible – especilaly for your eyes. They won’t tell you that you can try samples for free or have free make up lessons on Boots/Debenhams/John Lewis stalls and that these things might be really useful in case their products disagree with your skin or something. Good advice will tell you to try before you buy, warn you that everything is not sunshine and glass slippers, and encourage you to shop around.

In other words, it doesn’t sell, it advises. And if instead you go to see a make up vendor in person, they’ll probably give you real advice too.

3. “Signal” word like “you must” and “never”

Why? Is it the done thing? Would it be an awful faux pas if you did? Would your family throw down their champagne flutes and perform a mass exit in protest? I suspect not.

Whatever happens, it’s your day. Yes, you need to take the feelings of your guests into account, of course you do, but only you know your guests. It’s easy to follow decades of tradition rather than actually decide what is suitable, but you should still do this, because the traditional way might not be suitable either.

Don’t let any website give you orders. An order on a site is an invitation to click the big red cross in the corner. So if you see a command on an advice page (e.g. “Don’t let any website give you orders.”) really sit down and question it – it may be a strongly-voiced opinion, or casual use of language… or you may well be best moving on from there.

Good advice will give you some hints and tips, suggest alternatives and then invite you to decide what is appropriate given your own set of circumstances.

4. It invites you to be selfish

Wedding related media is particularly guilty of this because it is Your Day and thus only what You Want matters. So if you want to eat raw meat and give out condoms as favours, do it! Who cares how many people beg you not to. …Erm? Even wedding forums can get pretty bad – though it does depend upon the forum and its feel and attitudes.

I was recently reminded of this by a thread on a facebook group I frequent. The poster asked:

How much do you agree that weddings are JUST about the bride and groom?.. I personally think that as soon as you invite guests, you are a host, and should consider your guests.

I ask because over on the UKBride forum there’s a thread about menu choices, and everyone apart from me has said something along the lines of picking what the couples wants, and not considering the guests. This seems silly to me as a) presumably, people do actually LIKE the people they are inviting and want them to have a good time, and not go hungry and b) surely if you’re spending x amount on a meal, you don’t want 75% of the guests not to eat it?

There was a whole stream of choices, especially from lots of women desperate to drool over their menu choices once again, but one in particular caught my attention and is relevant to this post:

Please don’t get me wrong, but UKB seems to have a culture that isn’t necessarily conducive to planning an enjoyable wedding. Your guests ARE important as is making them feel comfortable.

5. Key information is missi

This is only particularly noticeable to those who are going for something different to what is mentioned, but even if your choices are covered by the advice, noticing that others aren’t should be a big clue to treat the rest of the content with a pinch of salt. Why? Because advice should help people make choices, not force them to feel outcast if they don’t do it your way.

The main example I have found is something on the lines of a discussion on the beautiful church wedding vs the cheap quick registry wedding. Erm, well, not all church/registry weddings are like that, plus what about other religions, or the large number of registered buildings for civil ceremonies which are out there? There are even plenty of places for fussy buggers like the Fiance and I who ruled out hotels into the bargain. Just have a look yourself.

6. It’s American

Sadly true that whilst lots of American customs are applicable to UK couples, not all of them are, and you might come across several of the other bad advice signals which arise accidentally simply because things are different over there. It’s a great fallacy to assume that because we have a shared language we also have a shared culture.

I’m talking about lots of things which American culture assumes. Like having a rehearsal dinner (what???) or a receiving line. Like asking you “What are you doing for your favours?” (or “favors”, which I can’t help but pronounce in an Italian accent as “fah-vorrs”!) instead of “Are you doing favours?” Because Americans brought favours back in to popularity, and now many UK brides are starting forum threads like

Favours?? Can i be arsed? Do you have to do favours? Will people think less of me if i dont?

7. It makes very odd assumptions

They key example I have of this is an article I rambled across about how to meet your future in-laws for the first time… which makes the very odd assumption that after getting engaged, one of the first things you’ll need to do now is meet your other half’s parents. Which is okay, right, except that I’m sure most people will have met them before now. Won’t they???

Articles like this worry me. They encourage people to avoid meeting their partner’s family until absolutely necessary, and then, when they meet them to follow dodgy advice, like doing research on them to endear yourself to them (erm, stalkerish at all?), which seems inherently dishonest. Be nice and all that, but don’t fix a false smile, compliment their hideous dress and tell them you are a massive golf fan too.

I’ve just had a furious google around to relocate the article, and found several similar – but longer (see item1)!

These longer articles largely repeat the obvious stuff, but also mention that you should BE YOURSELF. Advice strangely at odds with the false compliments suggestions. Some articles even tell you not to make assumptions based on the first meeting. Crikey. Is that actually… GOOD advice?

So where can you go for good advice?

Forums are usually pretty good, although as we’ve discussed it does depend upon the forum, the mood, the attitudes, the general flavour in the air. Specialist websites are also good, of the non-branded variety, which will also hopefully take you outside the fluffy world of weddings, where everything is a must-have at 150% ££s. Personal experiences are a favourite of mine, because if you explore enough of them you get a better idea about the range that’s out there than if you start with a magazine’s site or something that pre-selects the writers who fit their “look”. Read one and you’re not much better off, but read several and you’ll acquire a much more representative slice.

Here’s something you may not want to hear – then again, I’ve got it from my experience. When it comes to weddings, advice from men and advice for men tends to be saner, more sensible, and to the point.

Of course this is not always true, but in general men are much less carried away by the sentiments, the prettinesses and the dream-quality of a wedding. To them it’s much more about you the couple, and a nice party afterwards. And so accordingly their advice tends to be much more earthed and snap you back to reality.

However, I did read this really awful report on how to choose the ring and stage your proposal from a bloke who treated the whole thing like a business arrangement and the ring choice as a dealbreaker, using phrases like “[y]ou will markedly improve your chances of success if” and basically encourages every would-be-fiance to become a diamond expert. He also flags up the necessity of asking for permission. THIS IS AN EXTREMELY PERSONAL THING AND YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY ASCERTAIN THE PERSONAL SITUATION WITH RESPECT TO PERMISSION AND NOT TAKE THE ADVICE OF SOME RANDOM GUY ON THE WEB. Some girls absolutely love the romance of having their father asked for permission, and some fathers feel that they have the right to this request. Some couldn’t care less. Others, like me, would probably have turned down their bloke had he asked their father (or other key family member) for permission and decided that the relationship needed further work for a bit. Nobody has the right to decide my future for me. I am my partner’s equal, and I want my partner to be a man who respects my rights to choose over following a tradition hungover from when women were property. Luckily, he is. Asking for a blessing post engagement is totally different.

Good advice would out these issues and tell you to investigate the right way in your partner’s family. Bad advice cheers you on to follow the traditional “romantic” route, because that looks pretty down on paper. Well, screen.

Tips can also be picked up on completely non-wedding-topic related sites, and these tips are often more honest because they are not invested in the business. These are the kinds of things you will come across when you are not looking for wedding related advice, but browsing harmlessly, which I hope you are still doing, as it will probably help you avoid the post-wedding blues, which seem to be quite common, especially amongst those who give up the rest of their life whilst planning your big day.

We recently came across a really awesome tip for shaving smoothly from, peculiarly, Neil Gaiman, which was this. If you were looking for advice on a clean, smooth shave for your wedding day, I severely doubt your first port of call would be a fantasy writer’s blog. So it just shows.

An RSVP

The media is filled with things to make you happy on your wedding day. You know what I mean – sweetie bars, vintage cars, “Just Married” boards and every imaginable kind of decorative crap. Some of it is sensible, some of it is insane, and some of it is just confusing to work out in the first place. But it’s all there to make your day perfect, to make you HAPPY.

You know what would make me happy? If my guests RSVPed.

Well, our RSVP date has passed. That was yesterday, Valentine’s. I thought it might make it easier for people to remember!

We have had a lot of RSVPs – some regrets, and plenty of acceptances. Obviously some people can’t come, or would find it tricky to come, and we respect that, it’s a pity they can’t make it, but it’s also understandable. They don’t really need an excuse. Other people’s lives are happening.

We have had RSVPs from a family who had a bereavement, and an RSVP from a couple who only got their invitation a couple of days before the deadline – due to a mistake in the address! – and an RSVP from a guest who was rushed to hospital and is still convalescing.

So the rest have until tomorrow for grace (two postal days, in case they suddenly remember, dig the RSVP out of it’s pile and start scribbling with that immortal tea-spilling cry of “OH SHIT.”) – and after that they’re in trouble. It is not our responsibility to make up for their rudeness and incompetence.

The instructions are quite clear, an RSVP slip and address are provided. And the idea of being too busy to give 5 minutes in 6 weeks is frankly not believable. Of course, because we’re asking so early, a lot of people haven’t got confirmation on examination timetables and such forth, but I wish they’d just let us know their dilemma! We can work around it if we know what they’re thinking.

On the morning of the 14th, 29 guests hadn’t RSVPed. By the end of the day, it was down to 20, and now, if I press ‘refresh’ on my browser… Yes, we’re down to 18.

These people clearly know they’re being naughty. And apparently some of them are a bit afraid.

Simply Corking

Hello everybody. *Waves*

Today I just wanted to share this beautiful image of Jo’s cork place names she made for fellow bride Kellie.

The Fiance and I are planning to do something similar, using (like Kellie) champagne corks for the top table and bottle corks for the rest. We currently have almost 60 corks, but are still collecting. To date, I think all the bottles these are from were consumed (or partly consumed) by us, but this may change by May! Kellie actually went a step further and ensured all the corks were from French wines! But I don’t think we can drink enough Oxford wine…